Funny New Years Resolutions

Every year when New Years rolls around, we all promise to do better, live better, lose weight, eat healthier, exercise more and all the dreaded things we weren't able to accomplish this last year. Or the year before. Or the year before that. What if we just looked at life with a little lighter view and a splash of humor? Would it make it easier? Would it make life better? I think so.

Repeat after me!

This year in 2012 I will:

* not lay in bed all day on my laptop. I will move my computer into another room.

* not waste anymore time regretting the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.

* go green and help save water. I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

* stop using 2012 as an excuse to hoard beer.

* read a book or magazine that doesn't have anything to do with The Kardashians or Housewives.

In 2012 I Will:

* stop ignoring the GPS lady just to piss off my wife.

* stop using Facebook or Twitter as my primary communication with my wife and kids

* will volunteer to work with neglected children. Mine.

* stop leaving my six year old in charge when I leave my husband at home.

* stop asking my husband, "do you notice anything different?" When I really haven't changed anything.

* when my fiancee is planning the wedding, to stop referring to the rehearsal dinner as the "Last Supper."

* stop signing my husband up for anger management classes, just to see his reaction. Because he can't get mad.

I Promise I Will:

* stop boring my boss with the same old excuses for calling in or coming in late, I will think of new excuses.

* stop being myself at job interviews if I really want the job. I guess having issues with authority isn't a strong suit.

* stop demanding to be paid for babysitting. I guess they are mine afterall.

* stop telling my boss "less is more."

* stop "accidentally" leaving that list of "office secrets" in the copy machine.

I will:

* spend less then $2,782 at Starbucks this year.

* stop telling my husband that getting manicures helps keep my diabetes at bay.

* stop telling the phone company that those calls were NOT mine to lower my bill.

* hiring hackers to break into my husbands bank account so I have a couple extra bucks.

Have you ever made a Resolution that you did keep?

I promise to:

* try to figure out why I "really" need seven e-mail addresses, two facebook pages, and three twitter accounts. Isn't two aliases anough?

* stop texting my kids and or husband when they are in the next room.

* stop harrassing people on "chat" on facebook as soon as I see them sign in.

* think of a password other than my "pet's name."

* stop fixing "auto corrects" on my phone, it's more interesting to just leave it.

* stop posting cryptic messages blasting people who aren't helping me with my pretend farms.

* stop poking people just because I have nothing else to do and I know they are OCD.

* leaving "I love Mom" statuses on my kids facebook walls when they leave their computer turned on.

* stop spelling their, there, they're and to, two, too, wrong, just to annoy everyone.

* stop typing in all capitol letter, no punctuation, and no paragraghs.

* stop answering the phone when my parents call for help with facebook!

* act like I heard anything my kids or husband just said to me while I'm checking my facebook.

* stop hitting "like" on ex boyfriends facebook status messages when they change it to single. Just to piss "her" off.

I Will:

* clap more... like when the lady finally moves out of the way in the grocery store, or my teenager puts a dish in the sink instead of on the floor, my kids figure out how to get their own glass of water, or my husband doesn't call his mother for advice on some pressing matter such as what to have for lunch tomorrow.

* drive Volkwagon Beetles around in public places just to see everyone punch eachother.

* stop saying "it's nice to meet you" before I know if it actually is.

* saying "That's what she said," after everything anyone says.

* stop trying to throw away my garbage can every Wednesday, they just won't take it.

* stop trying to keep people in suspense when I

* try to get through metal detectors with a can of green beans, just for the heck of it.

* stop filling out subscription cards from magazines for my annoying neighbor.

* stop writing "Just 'Google It" on my essay papers before turning them in to my professors.